The Who I am Series (2)

2. How have the successes shaped your life, affected the way you think of yourself and your capabilities? How do they affect your goals and the things you strive for? I’m not sure at the way my shoulders deflate as I read and reread the question being asked. Pondering the way I think about myself always tends to leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Because if I’m being honest, there is little I like about myself.

Years ago, I began to tell myself, “I can handle hard things.” Over and over again the words would run through my mind, over my tongue, out into the air around me. This bit of truth, always came back to me. Because it is true. I can do hard things. I can take the hit. I can overcome. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve spent my fair share of time crying on the floor, yet I always manage to stand back up, ready to keep going.

Goals and things i strive for are beginning to look more like an ocean sunset, not something achievable. They are distant, beautiful, and fleeting. I always had the same consistent goals for years, the things I wanted more than anything.Yet I let them fall away. I watched as they became farther and farther into the distance before my feet slowed and I stopped chasing. Sometimes I still long for those things. But at the same time those were the dreams of a young girl. That girl had her life before her, bright and exciting. The only thing I see before me now is a chasm.