Sometimes being awake is the nightmare.

I started writing it. My book. My story I guess.
I just want to get the things inside, out. I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to truly tell my story, but I’m hoping this can help me heal from some things. Understand some things better for myself.

I don’t know if i’ll finish it or ever let it leave the confines of my computer but we’ll see. I’ve been surprising myself a lot lately.


“lex and I talked about how it’s beautiful to see you do you. Nothing holds you back.. we love the Angelica vibe!” -Jess.

I cannot begin to articulate the way the words washed over my soul. I tell myself on a consistent basis that I am not someones perception of me, believing it most of the time, but never stop to consider that maybe not all of their perceptions are bad ones. Maybe some people looked at me and saw more. Saw someone who isn’t afraid. Someone full of creativity. Someone unashamed of themselves.
It’s the good thoughts that are almost too much for me.

I’ve been catching the spirals better lately. Not giving in to their temptation to take their hands and be whisked away into dark oblivion for hours or even days. I can see myself stand before the dark swirls, the dark slim hand extending out towards me, like its asking for a dance. The whisper of words, sliding like wind around me. They play with my hair, caress my skin, invite me to join them. I feel my muscles tense inside my dangling arms as I stare down at the hand. I’ve done this dance to many times. This time I won’t take the hand. I’ll take a step back, then another, and another. I will not be swept away into the depths, only to be returned battered and bruised.