I’ve been sitting with 21year old me. 

The witch doctor told me my leg pain was actually originating from my back, but mostly my head. As he held out my arm & poked around inside my head he quickly unveiled the source of my problem. I wanted to run away & something from when I was 21 was fueling this like a blaze. He asked me if I could explain. I blinked desperately searching for words. Because where the hell did I begin? 

This morning I’ve been sitting with 21 year old me. Because I knew the answers to the questions he was asking. I knew, in the dark places of myself that that year I made a lot of decisions that catapulted my life in certain directions. & the crux of it, I made some big ones that led me to a lot of unexplainable hurt. 

I’ve often thought throughout the years of what my life would have been like had I made a different choice those days. Of course, despite trying not to, I’ve romanticized it because surely anything was better than the hurt I endured. 

But as I was sitting with the different versions of my 21 year old self, I had a sudden thought. IF I could go back & talk to her, I wouldn’t tell her to make a different choice. Because every one I made, led me to her. I would sit in the car with the girl dreading one more hospital shift & I would tell her, this will all be so worth it cause it’ll get you moved. I would sit with the girl crying on the edge of her bed in a tiny apartment & I would tell her to stay because she’s coming back & she will bring so much joy you’ll forget a lot of the hurt. 

I would tell all these versions about how she will come with a baby & he will also be one of the greatest humans you’ve ever come across. She will show you what it means to be seen & loved & accepted for all the pieces you don’t like about yourself. She will pull you out of the darkest places & make you laugh until your pain is only from something beautiful. 

She will teach you kindness & fierceness can exist in the same person. You will LOVE watching her experience the beach for the first time. She will remind you to slow down. She will free you with ass tats & “do it” statements. Cause you will do it & you’ll always be better for it. You’ll worry for her & she will move mountains for you. 

Because meeting her, experiencing her, is such a privilege & it’s one I would make again & again & again.